don't want to go alone

Long time no blog.

Shit has Gone Down. Notice the capitalization. And the rearranging of Main Folks.

First things first, I have a boyfriend. A not before mentioned unknown of the male persuasion. He is awesome. Smart, considerate, good in bed (a cunning linguist i you get my drift hawhaw wink wink), nice, cuddly, a good conversationalist, and totally in love with me. It seems. And hot. Did I mention hot? He is HOT!

I am of course a wreck of doubt.

Logic strikes again.


It started with him helping me with my homework. Then one night (after a bottle of baileys), he kissed me. And I sort of moved in for three weeks. Didn't do the dirty at once though, not even slightly. Waited two weeks.

Became official a couple of days ago. And I've been freeking out ever since. Either because I don't really want to me in a relationship with this guy, I am insane, KP fucked my emotional sanity up more than I realized, I'm afraid of losing him (cause he is like.... AWESOME) or my female intuition has picked up something shady about him.

I have no idea, I'm just a mess.

And my exams start in under two weeks. And I haven't opened a book i three. So yeah. That's great.

Running away and joining a convent seems like a good idea right about now actually.

Or having a fling with KP or this hot stock-broker I've been onlining it with for a few years.

Total Mess.

Oh and Boyfriend is Bff's ex, she's got a new boyfriend, younger bloke, with dreads, he's cool.

OK

I'm not going to post just to post anymore. Something interesting actually has to happen. Preferably my getting laid.

would be nice.


PS
Chuck Bass is freekin AWESOME. Call me.

will i get what i want will i want what i get

Do you wanna make love to me

ok! KP answered, ordinary chitchat, I mention a concert I wanna go see, it's in another town so will probably involve spending the night and stuff..And I think I may be inviting him, Very subtly. This is not a good idea. Every other concert (three) I've been to with this guy has involved hooking up. So. Bad. Yes.

OR!! Casual sex? perhaps? I dunno.

The studio where I dance want to hire me as a yoga-instructor,they actually headhunted me. That is some kind of cool. Nightclub where I work is wonderful, all the guards call me darling and act all big-brotherly when obnoxious drunks start getting a bit too close for comfort. Which is actually like ten feet, drunk people smell really bad. And also I got 40 euro tip last night, so weeeh =)

Lucky Strike smokin queen

I facebooked KP. Yeah. depressing music really isn't good for the decicion-making progress.

There she goes, just a-walking down the street

Joe Purdy - check

Lucky Strike - check

middle of the night, sitting in my window and smoking. Feel like getting drunk. Life really ain't nothing without love, if I may get all country-song-y.

Sent Tenty a text "hey, long time, how are you? scince you helped me move in to my flat, want to see it?". He replied saying it was really tough seeing me last time, and he didn't think it was a good idea for him at the moment. It was both the most perfect and the most horrible reply I have ever gotten. Totally honest. And just underlining the fact of how perfect the guy is. And how unbeliavbly unnecissary our "break up" was. It started as just a friendly approach to a cool guy I used to be close to. And now I just want to hold him and be held by him. And I have to leave him alone. Because I care about him.

I miss him so much, and I'm sad, and lonely, and for some reason I want to talk to KP about this heartbreak. Is that fucked up? That's fucked up.

I can't say I want to be someones highest priority, and for someone to want to give me the world, because I have been, and I am. But they haven't been the right someones. I want to stare into those blue blue eyes, and I want to talk to KP about how the fact htat I can't really hurts. I don't know why I feel like that would help, and it probably wouldn't, but in my sleep-deprived heart it makes sense.

Sleep-deprived head just wants to kick some sense into sleep-deprived heart. "You want to talk to one ex about how another ex won't talk to you because he hasn't gotten over you? What are you an idiot? Go take a nap. A run. A valium. Whatever. Before I get pissed and start typing in all-caps here." Then heart goes "You're just a big lump of zombie-lunch, what do you know bitch". "WhatEVER you big MUSCLE! Like you're ANYTHING without me! GO EAT A FUCKING WAFFLE OR SOMETHING! Emotional twat." And that really gives my lungs a nicotine-craving.

short skirt long jacket

Yeah I got batshit drunk and poledanced around a signpost.Then I made out with Danny for a bit.

The result of my trying to distract myself (by being wasted and playing with dude's poor grease-like head), was that I followed a guy today for 10 min becase I'm near-sighted and from a distance he kind of looked like KP.

So.... mission not accomplished. Which I guess means I'm not Tom Cruise. Which is kind of cool.

Ok Go

Yeah so I miss KP. I just compared him, with considerable joy and in all seriousness, to a teethed vagina, and I miss him. I want to facebook him with something like "hi, wanna hang out? long time". <- notice no capital letters and casual phrasing.

I know it's terribly bad idea. Monumentally terrible. I don't know why I want to contact him. Haven't had any contact with him for about six months. Except for daily checking his facebook profile (apart from that wonderful brief period where I killed facebook).

I had even reached a higher state of being, complete with small sitting fat men and lots of ohm-ing, where I would refuse him should he tru to re-establish the hook-up.

But Now I can feel it coming. Like a donkey can feel a storm (they like, lie down or something. Because everyone knows lying down while lightning and thunder and rain happen upon your unprotected head is a GREAT way to protect yourself from storms), that I will facebook him. I won't be able to help myself. And it will be horrible.

Maybe I should run out of the metaphorical storm (SUCK ON IT YOU STUPID ASS'!), and be dry and... comfortable or something. The dry and comfortable being getting batshit drunk while poledancing around some street-sign or another.

I think I need to get laid. It's been two months. Damn me and my not being a slut (belive me, I've tried, like having sex with AB, but that has just resulted in uncomfortable awkward sex with no joy what so ever being experienced on my part)!

On a side note, KP is a pink stormcloud in the shape of a teethed vagina.

And I'm a donkey.

Fuckin A.

Lemons

I think I understand KP's shit now. When you can get whomever you want (you can't of course, but it FEELS like you can), it's just not that interesting anymore. You flirt and have heartfelt conversations just enough, until you sense like an emotional fly-trap (you know that freeky plant that looks like a vagina with teeth [on that note, really freeky freeky film about that. Vagina with teeth. I wonder what Freud would make of that.], tha one that traps flies in a sticky substance that will, eventually, melt the fly until it's just a fly-like goo that sustains tha teethed vagina.), that the person thinks you're the perfect partner. And one of the things that makes you perfect is that you're not even perfect. You're just non-perfect in a quirky fun way.

Anyway, you're not being fake. Just very selective about how much about yourself you show the metaphorical fly. And the fact that they think you're perfect sustiains you. Almost makes you belive them.

But since love now just feels like an elaborate game you're always winning... You never win. It's not real. It's a game. And no-one matters.

I can do this to a certain point. But when my flies want to get serious or physical, I back off. Waaaaaay off.

KP didn't (or doesn't) have the physical problem. Just the serious.

This whole thing is sad. And possibly not true. And if it is, comparing KP to a teethed vagina just feels really really good.

=)

Yeah. I really am.

Trip to narcissisme-land.

I tried to look at my self from an outside view-point, like a person who didn't know me personally, and I was struck by how GODDAMN AWESOME I AM! Seriously! It is seriously impressive just how perfect I am (if seen from the outside that is, if you get to know me, things get a little complicated).

First, with the basics. I'm a redhead. Hot. I chug beer like a dude. I'm smart (doing physics for fun for christ sake). I'm nice. Rarely get angry (even when Danny lost my keys and I had to climb in through my second-story window like a very sexy cat-burglar). I listen to old-school rock (Bowie being God), I can paint and sculpt, fluent in two languages, can get by in a third. I'm naughty in bed (oh yeah I went there), yet look so innocent and can be so polite I have never met a boss or parent who hasn't loved me.

But enough with the trivial awesomeness. What made me really fall in love with the personal-ad that is me. The nail in the coffin, if the coffin was a box made out of pure AWESOME, and filled with MORE AWESOME. I was a professional yoga-instructor. Yoga. Professional. I'm just gonne say that one more time YOGA FUCKING PROFESSIONAL. Think for a minute about how freekin bendable I am.

Oh yeah.

And when I quit as YOGA INSTRUCTOR I of course had to find a new type of exercise to take up. Now, you might be thinking, what could possibly be more freekin awesome than professional style yoga (by the way, we're talking both legs behind the head at the same time. While lifting body off ground with hands. Yeah)? Well. I took up pole-dancing. Awestruck by the awesomeness that is my life yet?

POLE DANCING STRIPPER STYLE!

Yeah.

Can it be narcissisme if it's true?

Washboard Lisa

Gah... I have these happy-spells, and then I start thinking, and suddenly I'm miserable. It all fit's in with my theory of relative happiness. You can't ever be happy, coz you'll never have everything, and the minute you become happy, you suddenly have time to think, and then you start thinking about all the things you don't have, and ftzzzzzzz said the happy-bubble.

Like now, I KIND OF want a guy. I think. Except I don't. At least not anyone I know. I think. Except maybe Danny. Except no. And then I think that I'm never going to meet someone I'll fall for again. But then again I thought that before Tenty came along, and whoop-dee-doo.

It may be a case of too little sleep. Danny stayed over tonight, SOBER (I think I have seen him actually sober on like... two occations... maybe)! And again absolutely no naughty buisness what so ever, we're talking not even a kiss. I've never spent the night with someone before who didn't at least grope me a little.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Or him.

I don't know if I actually feel some sort of spark, or if I just want to feel one, and tehrefore I do. The mind and heart of a narcissistic teenage girl works in mysterious ways.

Also hung out with Stu for a bit. I think I might have started collecting guys who like me atm. Guys I never actually enter the ballgame with, but who're just... hanging around in the stands (sports metaphors? Am I high? Do bears shit in the woods? I'm not sure).

Party on saturday with Beard-guy, and his room-mate, Another-BFF-Ex. Could have bagged at least two guys there (one was all heee-y let's dance, the other tried for 20 min to convince me not to go home to sleep, but to stay alone in the flat with him...). COLLECTOR MANIA!

Am I a bitch? I think I might be.

arrgh.

Mother fucker.

I don't want to have feelings for Danny. He's a borderline alcoholic. This is so not cool. So not cool. If there was an anti-awesome, this would be it.

My heart just wants to fuck with my head.

Toffee

Confusion in happy-land. I've been incredibly content (there really is no other word for it) lately, just generally happy and good and.. happy. And now I'm back to that empty feeling. That empty KP-related feeling. I find myself looking at pictures of him, with those marvelous cheekbones (I notice these things, with Danny it was a tendon in his jaw, and Tenty the defined jawline, I know, I'm strange) and wide open eyes. Brown-green-ish and he knows how to use them. Mostly to get some. Or to get girls to fall for him so that he feels he's worth something.

I am very familiar with that feeling.

And then I start missing him. And then I start missing Tenty. Coz I don't want to be a notch on KP's belt again, and hooking up with guys like him has sort of become shameful (but the sex oh the sex). And the other guys, Stoner-dude (just like KP, has just done more drugs), Danny (no school, no job, smells and shakes like an old drunk) and Stu (BORING!), are not going to happen for various reasons.

But Tenty was really... nice. Has job, sweet, naughty, good looking and no ex-girlfriends. But I don't have his number anymore, he's not going to contact me, and he doesn't like me enough for it to work anyway (but the sex oh the sex).

I want someone like him. But I don't want to look for it. I don't want to want it, but I do. I don't want to have sex with anyone, and yet my dreamjob is to be a luxury escorte ("Secret diary of a London Callgirl", tv-show, really must be watched, Billie Piper is the shit).

And BFF just ended things with her Junior. Which is sad. I want her to be happy. She'll get over it, but it sucks right now. And I know I can't really help, and that sucks. And it's raining. Seriously rained in the window on me all night, that is NOT cool.

And started trigonometry and physics at The School. At least math makes sense. And my teacher's kind of hawt.

Silver lining ey? =P

From russia with love

Worked late yesterday, walking around handing out free tickets to nightclub, wearing I might add, way too little clothing. So now I'm sick. Coughrap yay!

I was so tired after working until three on friday, I could barely keep my eyes open. Had 5 cups of coffee and a chai-tea, which only resulted in making me sweat profusely and not being able to focus my eyes properly. The perfect recipie for tempting people to goto a club I'm advertising.

After work, went home and collapsed, And after I'd fallen asleep, Danny showed up, smelling like an old drunk, acting like an old drunk, but succeding where my two duvet's and one blanket failed in keeping me warm. I cannot belive, this guy has slept here three nights in a row, and I haven't even kissed him.

Win!

Thursday, Juan told me he loved me, which I mostly ignored coz he was wasted, and he has a girlfriend who he loves, and he has a habit of telling both me and BFF how much he loves us every time he gets drunk. And also complaining about how no-one loves him and he should just kill himself. Melodrama is his thing.

I'm still in limbo on the whole emotions thing, cannot for the life of me make up my mind one way or the other. I'm just gonna not think about it and concentrate on school and work I think. Limbo isn't so bad. They have free punch there.

Happy BFFRTHDAY

Today is BFF's birthday!! =) I love this girl, oldest friend I have, we've known each-other since we were six years old, had a couple of bad fights, but we always talk through 'em =) Like the time she hooked up with my ex two days after we broke up, and the time I hooked up with this guy at a party, whom she had been trying to get with all night (dear god, "hook up", "get with" what am I, a hiphop-song?).

She's totally gorgous, totally cool, and never got tired over my endless whining over KP. Then again I never got tired of her endless whing over our mutual ex =P

To celebrate, she's coming over tonight, I'm cutting and dyeing her hair (how I deserved this trust is beyond me, except for the fact that I cut my own. But then again, my hair looks like a raped birds-nest), then a couple of people are coming over for drinks, and then we're hitting the town =)

I don't know if her current squeeze (17 years old tricker, who actually might be aproved) is coming, but he can't go out anyway (too young hahahahhahaha), so I guess it'll be just as good without him.

I love this girl! She's awesome!

In my life: emotions all over the place, had a missing Tenty-attack yesterday, still thinking about Danny's eyes, and this tendon in his jaw when he clenches his teeth, KP not so much actually, school started, it's awesome, I'm a genius, bought a new camera for my dad, 700 euro out the window, but on the plus side: didn't have to tell him I forgot his camera at a hotel in Amsterdam. Starting pole-dancing (yes, stripper-style) with BFF next week, it's going to be LEGENDARY! =)

BOOOOO!

That little sneak of a greaser is sidestepping his way into my country of emotion. I spent all day yesterday thinking about his eyes. I don't want to think about his eyes. Sure, they are nice eyes, but COME ON! A grown woman should never fall so easily.

What happened to the me who never liked people? Or rarely liked people. And when I liked people I was stuck on them for ages. Like superglue. Or syrup. Or some other sticky substance.

And after Tenty, I was so haaaappyyyy... I didn't even have anything to blog, coz my life was so relaxed and drama-free. I had to resort to rapping for christ sake (which was actually AWESOME, SUCK ON IT SNOOP!). And now... I still don't really have anythin to blog, coz the drama is well... absent. Except drama happening between my conflicting personalities (one is like, "I like being single and not hung up and free and loving myself and consentrating about myself, and I'm awesome, my life OWNS", and the other is more like "and theeen he could pick me up from schooool and we'd kiiiiiss, an we'd look so cuuuute together, and he is really cute actually, and he seems to really like me, and if I wanted to I could probably postpone the sex into infinity, and also I'm awesome and my life OWNS!" and then there's a third one who's just like "mmm... pizza... awesome"). But Danny seems... well... whipable actually. Slave-potential.

I like slaves.

Cry Baby

Hm.

Worked late yesterday until 2 AM (Yay, no drunk men picked me up and turned me upside down this time!), met Stu who very very very drunk, aaand I saw KP, which made my tummy do the summersault from hell. Oh and before work I was at at party with KPs ex. KP thinks she's the devil. Being friends with her gives me a twisted kind of pleasure.

ANYWAY!

Went to a club after work. Met Danny-greaser-always-apologizing-dude who was there with some friends. When the bar closed we went back to my flat (all of us, it doesn't get dirty yet). Had a couple of beers, which resulted in making them hammered and me a little tipsy. After a while I went out for a ziggy with Danny. He told me, drunken style (that is a lot of repetitions and giggling) that our mutual friend, guy who introduced us, at the time passed out on my couch, has a biiiig crush on me. And after I hooked up ( you know, light-style) with Danny last week, they have been fighting. Over me.

Danny says he wants to go out with me. I am... torn. I don't want mutual friend, but I liky the single at the moment. So we'll see.

People eventually left, and there was just me and Danny. We talked on my sofa until 5 AM, before going to sleep. Wearing clothes. Without getting any kind of dirty. Except me using him as a pillow (I don't have a perverted pillow-fetish, so that's not really dirty either, but we can pretend).

This morning my friend Baby (yes, I'm serious, and no, no-one has put her in any corners), came over at 10, so I got up, and we talked and hung out for a while, with Danny still asleep in my bed. Looking frankly kind of adorable We went out to the shops, and when we came back, he had scadaddled. As in gone. I can just imagine him waking up, alone, panicked and all sneaky, mission possible style, out the door and legging it all the way home. And that makes me a little happy inside.

This is actually kind of perfect, someone to spoon at night, who I don't have to kiss or do the dirty with (you know, unless I suddenly get the urge. For herbal. Or you know, whatever), and who takes off without me actually having to say... bye or... anything.

This is, the shit.

And KP, is actually just a shit.

Love is for sissies, 's whiskey that makes you a man

My step-dad, whom I adore, may be having a series of strokes. Small ones, but still. The man is a brilliant psychologist, the man who made my mum open up and be a person instead of a machine. He's been grumpy and tired and you know.. unwell, for a couple of months (acting like a little bitch actually, but one shouldn't say such things), and he finally went to the doctor. I'm a leetle worried. Just a bit. You know. Understating. It's the shit.

At the same time I think I may be having an existencial crisis, or at least a hormonal disturbance, I have no desire for sex or boys or anything at all. I hardly read books even. And I haven't "taken care of myself" in.... a... while... And I have no desire to.

There's still drama all over the place, like I left my fathers camera in Amsterdam, the hotel said they'd ship it to me, it hasn't arrived yet, and I think I have to buy him a new one, which I cannot afford, like seriously. Stoner-dude, I think I might want... but every time I think about it I just go "meh".

Give me back my spark!! A tiny one? It's been ages since I've even been annoyed enough to have to quell a desire to fork myself in the eye. And that's saying something.

And my cousin is on the war-front reporting in Ossetia, almost got executed on Sunday.

And I'm really very worried about my step-dad. He's the only person who sees through me when I lie. And he's the first man my mum's been like desperatly in love with (if I have to wait until I'm 40 for me to feel like that, I might actually stick a fork in my eye. Quelling will be out of the question), and I don't want her to be alone.

Bah.

*poke self with sharp stick* emo: pre-razor-style!

Munchies

SO! What's new... the weekend started on thursday, started out with a couple of people drinking at my place, BFF, Sally (male), a friend from school, and a couple of his friends... now one of his friend is an immensly hawt Danny (as in Grease-heart-throb), who I've been long-distance crushing on. And the evening of course ended with our little group of seven dominating the dance-floor, me and Danny doing... the swing. Yes. The swing. With lifts and stuff. And me in a short-short-skirt. Fun-drunk-ness yes.

A-and then Danny-boy decided it was time we walked homewards, took me by the arm, and since I was now deeply in 50's swing and weaker sex - mode, I kinda... followed...

Enter my flat, talking, grabbing the last beers, he starts going "I'm sorry if this is rude... I don't want to be rude... but I think you're beautiful". Now I know this sounds kind of perfect... and it wasn't BAD... but... well... Anyway, on with the kissing, the grabbing, the de-clothing... then Sally and BFF show up, coz they were going to sleep here, 's okay. Continue kissing. I find out I don't really want to have sex with this guy, I'm not feeling it so to speak. I tell him so. And then he starts apologising to me. HE says he's sorry, because I don't want to have sex with him.

When I'm writing he sounds like the perfect guy, but at the time it was actually kind of annoying. And I was pretty drunk, but I think he might have been having problems keeping "sho-bapa sho-bapa'd", "the lightning greased", "the summer loving blasting" or so to speak. Awkward. Anyway, I fell asleep, and he appearently elected not to bugger off as expected. So next morning it was like heeeeeey....

Anyway, worked friday night handing out leaflets to drunken club-goers (yeah, I know, but good money and watching drunk people is fun), and met Danny along with school-friend and second friend. Did a good job high-toeing it out of there.

Now saturday was... special... Queenie had stayed over as she was leaflet-ing with me the night before, we spent the day shopping away our pay, then went to her place for dinner with two of her friends, Steel and Kat (yes, couple, really too cute to be true). We had wine and burgers, and then we decided to make an apperance at a birthday party of one of their friends. I knew no one at this party. But okay, we went, it turned out to be a black and white party, so we went back home so Queenie and Steele could change, got some beer, and went back... Met the cutest policeman with whom I played a mutual chatting-up game for a while.

Then we decided we wanted to get high (not the policeman, policeman is nicely behaved well-adjusted man, I'm sure), and so we drove across town, bought some weed from some kids, had some fun with their weed-weight, went home... and made cookies =) Me, Queenie and Steele that is. Got wasted as fuck, slept and ate all next day, then went to have dinner with my mum... ended up falling asleep in her lap. Have no idea how, but managed to convince them I was hung over. Was high all the way through sunday and most of monday.

Good times.

PS: If you are presently on a diet, do not get high. DO NOT GET HIGH! MUNCHIES dude!! MUNCHIES!!

bum me baby

I want a dude with a beard. A big, bushy man-beard. That tickles charmingly. What I don't want is stubble. Stubble is pain. No, I am (seriously, no sarcasme here) a sucker for the hobo-beard. It makes me all... grrr... protect me caveman-manly-man.

Apart from fantasizing about beards I am bored, I think I may have lost my phone, and my diet went to hell on a river of chilli-nuts. And I'm feeling the celibacy. I might start hitting on potted plants and roadsigns.

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight! And take him away before he grows stubble or decides to shave his man-face.

I'm sick

*cough cough*

yeah

*cough cough*

yeah uh

*cough cough*

motherfucker yeah

*cough cough*

uh uh uh uh

lets get back to basics, cut through the plastic

twitch with the spastics when they go, you just go

blow by blow sneeze by sneeze

who needs enemies when you've got friends like these

now we're back to basics, I can barely taste it

a cough in my chest, a desperate need for rest

*cough cough*

you sick little thing

*cough cough*

to sore to sing

*cough cough*

yeah

There is always one more bug

Dear god I have problems. Impulse control problems.

Fancy underwear-store, moving sale, pretty pretty robe, soft, jersey fabric, midnight blue, set down from 70 euro to 20... Pretty pretty pretty want!! So... I bought... and my account now says 1 euro.... and my next paycheck is in ten days.... Bah. I'm never going to survive on my own. I need a rich husband. Preferably with six-pack abs and a personality. And with a faithful streak in him.

I'm talking a little back and forth with KP on facebook, but it's not headed in dangerous directions yet, that is to say, no heavy sexual innuendos at present time. I'm not sure if that's disappointing or not. On one hand I could fall in love with him again, and he can do his whole asshole-but-it's-not-my-fault-I-have-Issues-routine, but on the other hand, ANIMAL FUCKING MAGNETISME!! Raowr.

My diet also died a bit today, when I went to get breakfast, and I knew the waiter, and so she gave me free brownies... woo! But a big diet boo... since it's the only food except for canned beans and tomatoes and broccoli I'll be able to afford for a while though, I expect I can be exused.

PS. I love my flat. It owns monkey-balls.

Once you go black, OUR WAY, you never go back... ;)

Party yesterday at Q's friends house, out in deep deep suburbia... next door neighbour is famous local politician. We had a lot of fun with that. Now friend who lives there... is HOT. In a stoner, has killed half his braincells, slightly skinny, coffee-addict, asshole sort of way. Exactly my type =) I managed to restrain myself due to the fact that he's not totally single, and Q has also gone there, and you know, ho-code nr. 2... Don't sex the ex.

But anyway, had a really nice time, baileys and coffee with a sprinkling of eph, and a bunch of strawberry margharitas. Q and I got so hyped up we went outside and did split-jumps on the trampoline for about an hour. Good times =)

I was supposed to go to another friends birthday yesterday, but... He has a crush on me. And I hate having to fend off drunken kisses when I'm trying to get my groove on. Very distracting that.

Ended the evening at 7 in the morning in Stoners bed with Q and Stoner, sleeping in a heap with heavy metal in the background. Party like it's Ozzy Osbournes birthday=)

One step foreward, 4 steps back

I am weak. And stupid. And bound to hurt myself (not emo-like, but more like willingly give someone the chance to do a quickstep on my heart).

Tent-boy answerd, after I re-asked him about the concert. Which is now off. Which is kind of okay, since KP has been pushing Tenty more and more out of my head lately. Or in the last two days, but you know, whatever. but anyway, that is not kind of okay. I want to be over that guy, he has Issues. With a capital I. And he's a charmer , totally full of himself and selfcentered as all hell. But kettles shouldn't throw pots in glass-houses .

But yeah, straight after Tenty answered, I got a hold of my network-key, got online, and answered KP's facebook assault. It's like I finally was allowed or something.

Meanwhile BFF and her beau patched things up, which is great! But I'm sort of a little scared that if she becomes all happy and couply, she won't need me anymore. This has happened to us previously when we've had boyfriends.

I don't know what I want anymore. If Tenty changed his mind and suddenly wanted to be with me, I probably would be like ok. But at the same time, I don't really care that much that it's over. It's like he was the rebound guy, except I'm back on KP now.

rebound /fail

*sets status* /confused

I don't want to give KP anything but possobly friendship. Coz that has a tendency to end with me going near-alcoholic and semi-depressed. Which is bad. On the other hand... I have severe problems saying no to him. On anything really. And he is hot. Very hot. Like... bluubl... cannot-form-sentences-coz-I'm-drooling-and-smiling-like-an-idiot-while-holding-stomach-in-so-hard-I-might-faint-hot. So friends could be difficult. what with the constant wanting to jump him. Like a fucking grasshopper. Raowr baby.

PS. settling into my new flat, it's going to be AWESOME! =)

Do I get what want, do I want what I get?

I have worse karma than Hitler.

Tent-boy has yet to reply as to wether or not we're canceling Clapton, which if he says we should, I think I'm officially giving up all hope. And I can start training again instead of gettin my sex on. But anyway, he has not answered. This from the guy who sent me a text at four in the morning WITH NOTHING IN IT, a BLANK TEXT, just to answer a text I sent him earlier, that really didn't actually need an answer.

So I'm being frustrated about the whole Tent-boy thing, and my BFF and two of my best buddies (Juan, the coolest funniest lovliest guy who always takes care of me, and Ice) came over, and we had some beer, a smoke or two, and complained about the world. Or Juan didn't complain. Coz he has it made with an adorable girlfriend. But he pointed and laughed wickedly at us when we complained.

BFF also has problems in paradise, her guy is all avoidence-like when it comes to relationship exclutivity. So she's a little pissed. And Ice just wants to get laid. Preferably on a regular basis.

ANYWAY!! I check my facebook. And there is a message from... KP. My emotional kryptonite. Saying he misses me and sorry for not answering me earlier. I howl. Litteraly. Really loudly.

Does he have some sort of radar that tells him when I'm emotionally unstable enough to give him an opening? I was all about Tent-boy. But the minute he becomes a bit disapointing, enter KP to confuse me utterly.

I hate you.

Yes God, I mean you.

Evil Smiting mother fucker.

Do you wanna, do you wanna, do you wanna make love to me

All moved out, just my sheets and a bag of clothes left to transfer =) S all good.... Tent-boy helped me move... I have no idea what I'm feeling about that whole situation at the moment. I think I want him. He's just so NICE! He's the kind of guy who gives his seat to old people on tha bus, and then comes home and bites you on the ass, growling sexy-like. And those big big big blue eyes when he wants you to kiss him.... Fuck allmighty. I really really wanna go there.

ANYWAY. He came over, with his beautiful wreck of a car, and I was proudly showing him my room, now empty, when he kind of kissed me. And I think I might have kissed back. I don't know. I want to have some boundries! If you never ever want to get serious with me, and it's not a one nighter, you don't get to kiss me!

That's reasonable, right?

Well, I went "what are you doing, you're not supposed to kiss me.". He went "mumble mumble". I went "mumble" and we moved my stuff. After moving all the stuff (with this really awkward mood, where I wanted to hold his hand all the time) he drove me home, and did the pointing-at-his-cheek-gimme-a-kiss-thing. So I did, proud of my self control and poise. Then I got out of the car. Leaned through the open window. Really romantic slow kiss.

Superego 0, ID 2 (or 3 I don't remember, anyway, Superego looosing).

I asked him later why he kissed me in the first place (appart from my awesomeness of course), and he said that he didn't know how to act when he saw me again, and I looked as though I wanted to be kissed. Which I totally did. But yeah.

Think we might cancel Clapton and the whole one night thing. I don't know if either of us really think it's wise to get nekked and dirrty when things are like this.

Unless we're drunk of course.

In sickness and in health

I am still sick, still bored, and reading so much Questionable Content, I think my sense of humor has been permanently altered. I probably won't ever be able to laugh again if physical violence or smart-assing is not involved.

Came back from a stay at my mothers cabin (since I can't really do anything anyway, I might as well do it somewhere the dog can run off and chase sheep), to find my resently appointed step-mother in my fathers flat. Whoopdey-freekin-doo. I was planning to use the next couple of days to pack up all my stuff for my big move (oh, btw, I manipulated Tent-boy into being my moving-truck. Boobs are really practical sometimes), and this was appearently an intrusion into my step-mummys personal space. The woman who hasn't officially moved in yet.

My dad phoned me. Not to ask how my soon to be kidney-failure was going, but to ask if I (she who dost live here, at least for two more days) could be somewhere else for a day or two. So my step-mum (she who dost not live here), could have some space. This somewhere else was unspecified.

I refused, because my father is acting like a twerp, and technically, I'm not invading Step-mums space, she's invading MINE.

Until wednesday anyway.

PS
Trying to get back in shape while on strong-elephant-like antibiotics = bad idea

Hot Tamale Train

Dear God I'm bored. Holed up in my room, can't even comfort-eat because the antibiotics make me too queasy to even think of food for very long. And I can't use this non-eating, no-plans-coz-I-was-supposed-to-be-in-Berlin time to exercise either, because of the red-hot mountain of pain that's happening all down my right side.

BFF (you know, festival with her ex BFF) went off to the army yesterday, VBMF and me aren't talking because our Amsterdam-trip made us realise we actually can't stand eachother, Glamourous Blonde Perfect friend is in London with her Perfect Loving Boyfriend, and I'm loooonelyyyy.... Well... not lonely... just annoyed with my laptops download-speed (very very very slow, been waiting on "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" for two days).

Yes, I am whining. Deal with it.

To illustrate my inability to actually walk, or talk, or do anything remotly social or work-like, the last two days I've watched (not in order); I am Sam, Requiem for a Dream, The Butterfly Effect 2, Into The Wild, A Walk to Remember, The Virgin Suicides, The Graduate, and really an unseemly amounts of tv-series "Dead Like Me".

Grr.

South Dakota

Fan fucking -tastic. I'm stuck at home with a kidney-infection, have to take antibiotics for two weeks, my Berlin-trip that I was leaving on tomorrow is cancelled, coz... you know... I can't breathe without wincing in pain. Which makes drinking 'til dawn and training 'til my arms and legs fall off a liiiiittle difficult. In my twisted little mind, kidney-infection is Tent-boys fault (infection actually result of other infection that may have been caused by him having a gigantic penis and damaging my insides), so I sent him a text saying so, and that again resulted in a lengthy text-conversation that ended with him sending a text with nothing but the kissy-smiley.

It's like we jumped right back to beginning-flirting-tiptoeing around eachother-stage the minute we stopped having sex. Interesting.

I'm still in a hell of a lot of pain though, ice-pack is my friend.

Tent-boy go bye bye

Righti-o... Well, Tent-boy went down in flames. Or not really in flames, more like slightly decending in a shower of sparks, possibly fireworks.

What happened was a little fuzzy, basicly we had a very nice day, just cuddling up in his house, watching movies, having sex, talking, eating m&m's... On the friday he was supposed to go to work at 9 AM(!!), but due to our failure to ever really go to sleep, he called in sick. Thursday night we were talking about something or another, and he called me his girlfriend. I was a bit uhm-ed, and asked if I was, indeed his girlfriend. His response was "well yeah, sort-of". I just said ok, and ignored the matter as there were more interesting things going on (his fingers doing tickly things to my happy-place can be quite distracting).

Right before we went to sleep (like six in the morning) I asked him if I officially became his girlfriend today. He said that, well with going in the army shortly he didn't really want a girlfriend, I said ok and we slept. Very entwined I might add.

Next day, no work, so we slept in, had lots of happy-fuzzy-Imissedyou-sex, went to buy him new shoes, went out to eat, picked his sister up from work, and then he drove me home so I could pack for my weekend-trip (three-year-tradition, me and an old mate of mine go hiking every summer). In the car outside my flat we made out and giggled for a while before I asked him if what we were doing was a sort of a summer fling thing. And then we exchanged "I don't know"s for a while, before I came to the conclution, that although I don't want to pair up and be the whole exclusive picket fence sort of happening just at the moment, I do want that eventually. He said he didn't want a girlfriend because of the whole army-thing, I said that if that was the case, I didn't think "we" were a good idea. Truth is I simply can't be bothered to fall head over heels with a guy who doesn't want something to come of it some day. Again.

He actually seemed more upset than me, kept saying he was sorry, and kept wanting to kiss me one last time, while I was, well... kinda fine. Disappointed, really thought this one could be something, but... well... whatever? I gave him his necklace back too. He looked like he might cry at that point. He's still taking me to an Eric Clapton concert (Oh yes, there is a concert in town, freaky dream, freaky freaky freaky!! Am I clairvoyant? Must investigate further) in a couple of weeks, with his entire family, aaaand we kind of agreed to have a one-nighter in connection with that.... Yeah, so not a good idea, but to hell with it, I like sex.

A couple of texts back and forth during the weekend (he called me "kitten" and used the kissy-smiley), but on the whole, I think I'm going to call this one over. We'll have a goodbye-shag, I'll take advantage of him and his car to help me move, and that can just be it. I think I might be allright. Not sure though. Will investegate further over a gin and tonic.

PS. Gave him a blow-job in the car, sooooo fun, he almost crashed the car, and got really uncomfortable at red lights (revenge for putting his hands down my pants and kissing my neck when I was on the phone with my mum).

City of Sin

SO! Just came back from six days in Amsterdam with my Very Best Male Friend (VBMF). The first couple of days weren't so bad.

Day 1; got a little drunk out of the minibar after eating at Hard Rock Cafè (dishiest waiter ever, covered in tattoos, funny, and a taste of young Tommy Lee meets Chad Michael Murray, luckily I could pretend I was drooling over the food).

Day 2; walking around, museum and such, before hitting a coffeeshop, buying 2 g Afgan weed which we proceeded to crumble over champin-however-the-spelling-of-this-continues pancakes, and eating, getting disappointingly not as high as we wanted, but munchies happened, and we ordered three pizzas off roomservice.

Day 3; cannot for the life of me remember how we spent the day, probably shopping, but ordered food off roomservice again, and then the magic mushrooms happened. I turned three years old and started hitting VBMF with my teddy-elephant (Schnapsi), we giggled a lot, I thought we were on a boat, people on the telly turned funny shapes, and our pupils (you know, the black things in your eyes) were behaving very unusually, growing bigger and smaller out of sync with eachother. All together one of the strangest experiences of my life, and after landing I vowed to become abstinent from pretty much everything. Except sex. Oh, and we unlocked the porn on the telly too. Very interesting. I had to "take care of myself" like three times while pretending to go to the loo.

Day 4-6; rented a pedal-boat for an hour and went up and down the canals. Loads of fun. Shopped a lot. Drank very little, no more weed. Mushrooms scary. Went back to Hard Rock a couple of times more, dishy waiter recognised us and winked at me (want!). The three last days sort of blend into eachother, only thing that stands out is my growing desire to kill VBMF with a spoon of some sort. A sharp spoon. Glowing red-hot. And dripping of something ominus-looking. He snored, breathed more heavily than my grandmother who can barely climb stairs in one go, mumblesd in his sleep, and seemed to have lost the ability to tell me to fuck off when I was being annoying. Oh, and somebody also stole 2 500 euro off him, so I had to pay for everything, which might have added to the tension.

Missed tent-boy... not as much as I'd anticipated. We exchanged a few text, and I bought him a gift, but, well... we'll see. Staying over at his place tomorrow. I have the nagging feeling it might have been a summer-fling sort of crush. Hope not though, he's really a great guy (one of two guy's who has ever "done it" for me in bed, hooray!), and we seem to have a nice thing going when we're together.

Had a dream, very detailed, about an australian guy (who does not excist) named Clapton (because of some thing between his father and Eric Clapton). I met him at work, we started talking and flirting (he looked a bit like Hard-Rock-Dish when I come to think of it), and there was this office party and we kissed. Tent-boy was in the picture in the dream, and I couldn't decide between the two.

It was easier when I was a depressed mess who got drunk all the time. Being happy makes for complicated situations.

rather pleasant panic attack

Oh... my... Gucci...

Sooo.... second official date with Tent-boy yesterday, this guy is so childish and ridiculous, I love it =) He came over after work, I made him some food (I swear, housewife-genes I did not know I had), he met my father (*red flashing sign* DANGER!), and ended up staying the night...

We again had a bit of the sex, was very nice, he's very interested in comunicating about it, and wants to find out how to please me (!). At some point we just stopped what we were doing, and just lay completely still staring into each-others eyes (!!). And we also had this completely silly conversation through it all in this crazy american dialect, and a tickle war that moved the bed about a foot away from the wall. Inbetween all this fun, action and humor filled adventure, he said (breathe deeply now): I love you. And I responded with "No, you do?", and then we just went back to being silly.

I'm freaking out.

!!!

Is it just me, or is this moving a tad too fast? Just like... a smidgeon... The worst part is that it made me happy. And in the morning I got up an hour before him and ran out to Burger King and bought him breakfast, coffee and a razor so he could shave before work. Dear God, I don't want to turn into a relationship-person.

Stu also asked me to go swimming, seeing as the weather has decided to behave and be summerly for once. I said I didn't have the time because I had to pack for my weekend get-away today. Which is actually true . So there.

Oh yeah, and I'm leaving for Amsterdam on wednesday, so Tenty said he could pick me up after work on wednesday, and we could go to his place and I could see where he lived. It does seem rather like he's changed his mind about the cooling off. What with the I love you and stuff.

Oh yeah Romeo, you know I used to have a scene with him.

Dammit I think I fell in love again. This is gonna totally ruin my image.

Housewife-tendencies

Allrighty, so, vacation over, back to work, back to life, back to drama... Stu is trying to get in touch, I am largely ignoring him, missing Tent-boy like a fiend, I think I managed to fall a little there. He came over two days ago at three, and stayed until five the next day... it's like totally couple-mode, and it's freaking me out. I don't want to move away anymore. But I can't stay in this horrible city for a guy I've known for just over a week, that would make it way too serious way too fast.

Right?

Anyway, I've had to rejoin the information highway to some degree, a guy who might consider renting me an appartment wanted to know more about me, so I had to reopen facebook... So that particular plan failed. I'm still off IM though, so we're not entirely back at start and passing go.

I'm taking my best freind out to dinner today, as it is his birthday, and so that we can plan our trip to Amsterdam next week. It's way too awkward falling in love (developing crush whatever) right before I'm going on multiple holiday's with other guys... Don't think that will go over well

Ok lost my train of though, my sister came and started to recomend restaurants, and then we watched "Achmed the dead terrorist."

But ANYWAY! Tent-boy said we sould probably just end it before he fell too madly in love with me (like that takes more than five minutes), so we're probably gonna cool it off before I go to Amsterdam. Not that I want to. I mean, it's not often I actually like a guy enough to make him breakfast. And he seems to not be too hot for the idea either. It WOULD be the smart thing to do, but hey, what happened to living in the moment, and getting laid (and free breakfast) while you have the chance ;)

Festival-time

And I'm back from a week at a rock/let's get terribly drunk-festival with my best friend's ex, and two of his buddies, whom I tented with, plus my best friend who tented somewhere... else. Gingerboy was also at the festival and I spent large amounts of time avoiding him like the plague, and succeded reasonably well. I only spotted his orange head once in the distance, and made a run for it.

On the first day (possibly the second, I'm not good with days) I managed to a) lose my phone while b) having sex with The Ex's friend on the other friends mattress, while being c) drunk out of my head. During the next couple of days we then managed to evolve a "new-love"-cutsie annoying persona, everything is ours we are an entity kind of an annoying joint personality, and he moved into my tent. Which was just as well, coz the nights were serilously cold, even though I was drop dead drunk when I went to bed.

He also during this short week managed to bestow upon me a necklace he inherited from his grandfather, introduce me to his sister, drop me off his back, me landing on my face with my feet above my head nearly breaking my back, call me his princess, give me a hickey, drunkenly almost try to anal probe me with his thingy, become, according to his buddies, thoughly pussy-whipped, and make KP a far and distant memory.

successful vacation =)

I have no idea what's going to happen now that we're home, I still have his heirloom (haha), I owe him money (I think), and we separated on a very cuddly note, but my relationship anxiety hasn't gone anywhere, and he's never had a girlfriend so it's safe to assume he has a bit of a case of it too, and a summer fling could be nice I guess... But I guess we'll find out. I'm still leaving town, and I was sort of dating two other guys before I left on vacation... God the timing of this sucks.

re-installing real life

In an attempt to regain some sort of control over my life and my ID, I went to drastic measures yesterday. I uninstalled my IM and deleted my facebook-account. I'm contemplating getting rid of my mobile phone too. All these technological thingies just makes it far too easy to get distracted, and far too easy to spy on people you really just should stay far far away from. I swear, I'm convinced facebook doubles the time it takes to get over a broken heart. It's not an easy thing to do under any circumstances, but it's just so much harder when you can torture yourself by clicking into their profile and look at pictures of them, read what they're saying, and who they're saying it to. And I've been doing that for over a year now with KP. And of course this resulted in us eventually hooking up again, him breaking my heart again, hooking up one MORE time, and this time actually kind of finish it in a decent way. But I think it might be time to exit the information highway and roll the backstreets for a bit. Not just because of the getting away from the impulse to spy, but also to just live a little more inside my own head instead of Bill Gates' baby, and maybe try to sort out the emotional mess that's going on IRL. 

ID: one. Super Ego: zero

ok... There is one small chink in my armour of awesome... KP.. that dude makes me act like a pathetic 14 year old girl. Or not if not act, at least feel like said pimply horribelness. Now, I was thinking, or trying to convince myself that I was thinking, that I wanted to try and patch things up and be friends (FRIENDS, just ordinary FRIENDS!!) with him before I left town. The last time we talked, I yelled at him first in person, and then for ten minutes on the phone. He totally deserved it too, but it leaves for an awkward ex-dynamic. I mean, do I say hello to him if I meet him? Am I still pissed off (no, I don't hold grudges, but does HE know that?)? Is he pissed off with me? Does he want his t-shirt back? Does he know I'm dating Stu?

ANYWAY! One of the reasons he makes or at least made my himinageebies jiggle was that we were able to talk together very capably about the things that were bothering us and such. So... my subconcious (that really just wants to cuddle him close and make violent, passionate, sweet, soft love to him all night), tries to convince my concious that it is all in the name of talking to someone about my shitfaced fear of growing up. And sadly, it succeded for a long enough time for me to message him and tell him I wanna "be his friend". Leaving me feeling like an idiot. And slowly realising I have been tricked. Cruelly decieved by my ID.

So there. But except from this I am of course awesome in all repects.

Ho-code nr. 1; Ho's before bro's

This is reaching new levels of complicated. My best friends ex, but not only her ex, her first ever boyfriend, first ever anything, well I'm going on holiday with him. We're gonna be living together in a tent, getting ridiculously drunk and going to rock-concerts. And he's on the rebound from his LAST ex, who, when he dumped her, cried on my shoulder for about 4 hours. And threw up on my purse. So yeah.

ANYWAY, this guy is dropping inuendos all over the place, about how we should get naughty in the backseat in the car on the trip. Wait, that's not an inuendo is it. That's just a really really bad pickupline isn't it. Except he's doing it like haha, I'm joking. Or AM I? *shifty look*

Anyway, my best friend said the other day that since she's got a new guy and is like deliriously in love, she's not gonna be jumping the ex's bones on the trip. Oh yeah, she's coming too. But living in another tent. Anyway, since she's not doing any jumping, I could if I want to. I should ignore that right? You never get involved with your friends exes right? that's like against tha ho-code. Definitly. Yes. Stay away.

Karate kid

Ah Jesus. The AB, the friend I had sex with, has this friend he's been trying to fix me up with for a year, coz if I'm dating his friend, AB's girlfriend would probably let him hang out with me. Now his friend is very nice, a little emo, but cool and into marshall arts, which is awesome. But not so much with the sparks. Or I didn't think so. Appearently È did though, and since I've been talking about moving to the capital, he's applied for university there... Yeah. I unintentionally played him, and now he likes me so much he wants to move to another city. And AB knew that when he slept with me. I am gradually coming to realise that AB is something of an asshole. Too bad we can't be friends anymore, what with the jelous girlfriend, coz assholes make for the funnest friends =)

Bad girl

Yeah, last weekend i had sex with a friend of mine. Who has a girlfriend. The girlfriend has always hated me, even though I've never done anything to her before that. Not trying to justify my self, I'm a bad bad girl, I'm just saying. Anyway, girlfriend moves to town, won't let us be friends anymore, I'm moving away and not coming back, so we have sex. Him because he probably will never see me again and this is his last chance, me 'cause I'm a bitch and if the girlfriend is gonna hate me anyway, I might as well give her a reason. Even if she'll never know. Only now we have a slight problem in that I might not leave town, coz Queenie got cold feet. And my best friend is dating his best friend, and we're both running out of excuses to give them to why we can't hang out.
Being bad is hard work.

Early night

In lack of a diary, confidant, imaginary friend and such, I am going to write this blog to try and document the drama that seems to have taken over my life lately. Which is a lot of drama. A lot. Of... drama..

Yesterday, party at Queenies before clubbing. Tried to get Don in, but Queenie veto'd. Drank some vodka, some beer, som tea, som tea with vodka, and had a talk with Queenie about the fleeing town, which i appearently have to do alone now. Fan fucking tastic. We're all kinda high on eph and a little drunk, it's boring but whatever. Finally drive into town, we're there about half past 1, there's nothing really good going on anywhere, but we duck into a club. Run into Doll's ex, who I'm not supposed to be nice to but I'm nice to anyway. We dance for a while, run into this guy i had a fling with like three years ago, who is a close friend of Gingerboy, and drunkenly tells me Ginger is in love with me, has been talking about me all night, and I should call him. I say uhm. He asks if i wanna borrow his phone. I say I'm leaving town in three weeks, I'm not gonna start dating someone now, he says longdistance isn't so bad. Well no, could work I'm sure, if I actually liked the dude. But he's so... clingy... and... boring. Extremely pretty though, which is why this isn't easy. Pretty guys are hard to turn down.

ANYWAY, I'd watched a movie with Stu earlier yesterday, fallen asleep on his shoulder and had a pretty much good time, so more confusion. That guy just will not make a move though. He wants to hang out all the time and seems interested, but just no attempted kissing, groping, anything. But still, leaving town, whatever.

I'm still scouting for KP everytime I'm out, haven't quite dropped that torch yet =/