arrgh.

Mother fucker.

I don't want to have feelings for Danny. He's a borderline alcoholic. This is so not cool. So not cool. If there was an anti-awesome, this would be it.

My heart just wants to fuck with my head.

Toffee

Confusion in happy-land. I've been incredibly content (there really is no other word for it) lately, just generally happy and good and.. happy. And now I'm back to that empty feeling. That empty KP-related feeling. I find myself looking at pictures of him, with those marvelous cheekbones (I notice these things, with Danny it was a tendon in his jaw, and Tenty the defined jawline, I know, I'm strange) and wide open eyes. Brown-green-ish and he knows how to use them. Mostly to get some. Or to get girls to fall for him so that he feels he's worth something.

I am very familiar with that feeling.

And then I start missing him. And then I start missing Tenty. Coz I don't want to be a notch on KP's belt again, and hooking up with guys like him has sort of become shameful (but the sex oh the sex). And the other guys, Stoner-dude (just like KP, has just done more drugs), Danny (no school, no job, smells and shakes like an old drunk) and Stu (BORING!), are not going to happen for various reasons.

But Tenty was really... nice. Has job, sweet, naughty, good looking and no ex-girlfriends. But I don't have his number anymore, he's not going to contact me, and he doesn't like me enough for it to work anyway (but the sex oh the sex).

I want someone like him. But I don't want to look for it. I don't want to want it, but I do. I don't want to have sex with anyone, and yet my dreamjob is to be a luxury escorte ("Secret diary of a London Callgirl", tv-show, really must be watched, Billie Piper is the shit).

And BFF just ended things with her Junior. Which is sad. I want her to be happy. She'll get over it, but it sucks right now. And I know I can't really help, and that sucks. And it's raining. Seriously rained in the window on me all night, that is NOT cool.

And started trigonometry and physics at The School. At least math makes sense. And my teacher's kind of hawt.

Silver lining ey? =P

From russia with love

Worked late yesterday, walking around handing out free tickets to nightclub, wearing I might add, way too little clothing. So now I'm sick. Coughrap yay!

I was so tired after working until three on friday, I could barely keep my eyes open. Had 5 cups of coffee and a chai-tea, which only resulted in making me sweat profusely and not being able to focus my eyes properly. The perfect recipie for tempting people to goto a club I'm advertising.

After work, went home and collapsed, And after I'd fallen asleep, Danny showed up, smelling like an old drunk, acting like an old drunk, but succeding where my two duvet's and one blanket failed in keeping me warm. I cannot belive, this guy has slept here three nights in a row, and I haven't even kissed him.

Win!

Thursday, Juan told me he loved me, which I mostly ignored coz he was wasted, and he has a girlfriend who he loves, and he has a habit of telling both me and BFF how much he loves us every time he gets drunk. And also complaining about how no-one loves him and he should just kill himself. Melodrama is his thing.

I'm still in limbo on the whole emotions thing, cannot for the life of me make up my mind one way or the other. I'm just gonna not think about it and concentrate on school and work I think. Limbo isn't so bad. They have free punch there.

Happy BFFRTHDAY

Today is BFF's birthday!! =) I love this girl, oldest friend I have, we've known each-other since we were six years old, had a couple of bad fights, but we always talk through 'em =) Like the time she hooked up with my ex two days after we broke up, and the time I hooked up with this guy at a party, whom she had been trying to get with all night (dear god, "hook up", "get with" what am I, a hiphop-song?).

She's totally gorgous, totally cool, and never got tired over my endless whining over KP. Then again I never got tired of her endless whing over our mutual ex =P

To celebrate, she's coming over tonight, I'm cutting and dyeing her hair (how I deserved this trust is beyond me, except for the fact that I cut my own. But then again, my hair looks like a raped birds-nest), then a couple of people are coming over for drinks, and then we're hitting the town =)

I don't know if her current squeeze (17 years old tricker, who actually might be aproved) is coming, but he can't go out anyway (too young hahahahhahaha), so I guess it'll be just as good without him.

I love this girl! She's awesome!

In my life: emotions all over the place, had a missing Tenty-attack yesterday, still thinking about Danny's eyes, and this tendon in his jaw when he clenches his teeth, KP not so much actually, school started, it's awesome, I'm a genius, bought a new camera for my dad, 700 euro out the window, but on the plus side: didn't have to tell him I forgot his camera at a hotel in Amsterdam. Starting pole-dancing (yes, stripper-style) with BFF next week, it's going to be LEGENDARY! =)

BOOOOO!

That little sneak of a greaser is sidestepping his way into my country of emotion. I spent all day yesterday thinking about his eyes. I don't want to think about his eyes. Sure, they are nice eyes, but COME ON! A grown woman should never fall so easily.

What happened to the me who never liked people? Or rarely liked people. And when I liked people I was stuck on them for ages. Like superglue. Or syrup. Or some other sticky substance.

And after Tenty, I was so haaaappyyyy... I didn't even have anything to blog, coz my life was so relaxed and drama-free. I had to resort to rapping for christ sake (which was actually AWESOME, SUCK ON IT SNOOP!). And now... I still don't really have anythin to blog, coz the drama is well... absent. Except drama happening between my conflicting personalities (one is like, "I like being single and not hung up and free and loving myself and consentrating about myself, and I'm awesome, my life OWNS", and the other is more like "and theeen he could pick me up from schooool and we'd kiiiiiss, an we'd look so cuuuute together, and he is really cute actually, and he seems to really like me, and if I wanted to I could probably postpone the sex into infinity, and also I'm awesome and my life OWNS!" and then there's a third one who's just like "mmm... pizza... awesome"). But Danny seems... well... whipable actually. Slave-potential.

I like slaves.

Cry Baby

Hm.

Worked late yesterday until 2 AM (Yay, no drunk men picked me up and turned me upside down this time!), met Stu who very very very drunk, aaand I saw KP, which made my tummy do the summersault from hell. Oh and before work I was at at party with KPs ex. KP thinks she's the devil. Being friends with her gives me a twisted kind of pleasure.

ANYWAY!

Went to a club after work. Met Danny-greaser-always-apologizing-dude who was there with some friends. When the bar closed we went back to my flat (all of us, it doesn't get dirty yet). Had a couple of beers, which resulted in making them hammered and me a little tipsy. After a while I went out for a ziggy with Danny. He told me, drunken style (that is a lot of repetitions and giggling) that our mutual friend, guy who introduced us, at the time passed out on my couch, has a biiiig crush on me. And after I hooked up ( you know, light-style) with Danny last week, they have been fighting. Over me.

Danny says he wants to go out with me. I am... torn. I don't want mutual friend, but I liky the single at the moment. So we'll see.

People eventually left, and there was just me and Danny. We talked on my sofa until 5 AM, before going to sleep. Wearing clothes. Without getting any kind of dirty. Except me using him as a pillow (I don't have a perverted pillow-fetish, so that's not really dirty either, but we can pretend).

This morning my friend Baby (yes, I'm serious, and no, no-one has put her in any corners), came over at 10, so I got up, and we talked and hung out for a while, with Danny still asleep in my bed. Looking frankly kind of adorable We went out to the shops, and when we came back, he had scadaddled. As in gone. I can just imagine him waking up, alone, panicked and all sneaky, mission possible style, out the door and legging it all the way home. And that makes me a little happy inside.

This is actually kind of perfect, someone to spoon at night, who I don't have to kiss or do the dirty with (you know, unless I suddenly get the urge. For herbal. Or you know, whatever), and who takes off without me actually having to say... bye or... anything.

This is, the shit.

And KP, is actually just a shit.

Love is for sissies, 's whiskey that makes you a man

My step-dad, whom I adore, may be having a series of strokes. Small ones, but still. The man is a brilliant psychologist, the man who made my mum open up and be a person instead of a machine. He's been grumpy and tired and you know.. unwell, for a couple of months (acting like a little bitch actually, but one shouldn't say such things), and he finally went to the doctor. I'm a leetle worried. Just a bit. You know. Understating. It's the shit.

At the same time I think I may be having an existencial crisis, or at least a hormonal disturbance, I have no desire for sex or boys or anything at all. I hardly read books even. And I haven't "taken care of myself" in.... a... while... And I have no desire to.

There's still drama all over the place, like I left my fathers camera in Amsterdam, the hotel said they'd ship it to me, it hasn't arrived yet, and I think I have to buy him a new one, which I cannot afford, like seriously. Stoner-dude, I think I might want... but every time I think about it I just go "meh".

Give me back my spark!! A tiny one? It's been ages since I've even been annoyed enough to have to quell a desire to fork myself in the eye. And that's saying something.

And my cousin is on the war-front reporting in Ossetia, almost got executed on Sunday.

And I'm really very worried about my step-dad. He's the only person who sees through me when I lie. And he's the first man my mum's been like desperatly in love with (if I have to wait until I'm 40 for me to feel like that, I might actually stick a fork in my eye. Quelling will be out of the question), and I don't want her to be alone.

Bah.

*poke self with sharp stick* emo: pre-razor-style!

Munchies

SO! What's new... the weekend started on thursday, started out with a couple of people drinking at my place, BFF, Sally (male), a friend from school, and a couple of his friends... now one of his friend is an immensly hawt Danny (as in Grease-heart-throb), who I've been long-distance crushing on. And the evening of course ended with our little group of seven dominating the dance-floor, me and Danny doing... the swing. Yes. The swing. With lifts and stuff. And me in a short-short-skirt. Fun-drunk-ness yes.

A-and then Danny-boy decided it was time we walked homewards, took me by the arm, and since I was now deeply in 50's swing and weaker sex - mode, I kinda... followed...

Enter my flat, talking, grabbing the last beers, he starts going "I'm sorry if this is rude... I don't want to be rude... but I think you're beautiful". Now I know this sounds kind of perfect... and it wasn't BAD... but... well... Anyway, on with the kissing, the grabbing, the de-clothing... then Sally and BFF show up, coz they were going to sleep here, 's okay. Continue kissing. I find out I don't really want to have sex with this guy, I'm not feeling it so to speak. I tell him so. And then he starts apologising to me. HE says he's sorry, because I don't want to have sex with him.

When I'm writing he sounds like the perfect guy, but at the time it was actually kind of annoying. And I was pretty drunk, but I think he might have been having problems keeping "sho-bapa sho-bapa'd", "the lightning greased", "the summer loving blasting" or so to speak. Awkward. Anyway, I fell asleep, and he appearently elected not to bugger off as expected. So next morning it was like heeeeeey....

Anyway, worked friday night handing out leaflets to drunken club-goers (yeah, I know, but good money and watching drunk people is fun), and met Danny along with school-friend and second friend. Did a good job high-toeing it out of there.

Now saturday was... special... Queenie had stayed over as she was leaflet-ing with me the night before, we spent the day shopping away our pay, then went to her place for dinner with two of her friends, Steel and Kat (yes, couple, really too cute to be true). We had wine and burgers, and then we decided to make an apperance at a birthday party of one of their friends. I knew no one at this party. But okay, we went, it turned out to be a black and white party, so we went back home so Queenie and Steele could change, got some beer, and went back... Met the cutest policeman with whom I played a mutual chatting-up game for a while.

Then we decided we wanted to get high (not the policeman, policeman is nicely behaved well-adjusted man, I'm sure), and so we drove across town, bought some weed from some kids, had some fun with their weed-weight, went home... and made cookies =) Me, Queenie and Steele that is. Got wasted as fuck, slept and ate all next day, then went to have dinner with my mum... ended up falling asleep in her lap. Have no idea how, but managed to convince them I was hung over. Was high all the way through sunday and most of monday.

Good times.

PS: If you are presently on a diet, do not get high. DO NOT GET HIGH! MUNCHIES dude!! MUNCHIES!!

bum me baby

I want a dude with a beard. A big, bushy man-beard. That tickles charmingly. What I don't want is stubble. Stubble is pain. No, I am (seriously, no sarcasme here) a sucker for the hobo-beard. It makes me all... grrr... protect me caveman-manly-man.

Apart from fantasizing about beards I am bored, I think I may have lost my phone, and my diet went to hell on a river of chilli-nuts. And I'm feeling the celibacy. I might start hitting on potted plants and roadsigns.

Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight! And take him away before he grows stubble or decides to shave his man-face.

I'm sick

*cough cough*

yeah

*cough cough*

yeah uh

*cough cough*

motherfucker yeah

*cough cough*

uh uh uh uh

lets get back to basics, cut through the plastic

twitch with the spastics when they go, you just go

blow by blow sneeze by sneeze

who needs enemies when you've got friends like these

now we're back to basics, I can barely taste it

a cough in my chest, a desperate need for rest

*cough cough*

you sick little thing

*cough cough*

to sore to sing

*cough cough*

yeah

There is always one more bug

Dear god I have problems. Impulse control problems.

Fancy underwear-store, moving sale, pretty pretty robe, soft, jersey fabric, midnight blue, set down from 70 euro to 20... Pretty pretty pretty want!! So... I bought... and my account now says 1 euro.... and my next paycheck is in ten days.... Bah. I'm never going to survive on my own. I need a rich husband. Preferably with six-pack abs and a personality. And with a faithful streak in him.

I'm talking a little back and forth with KP on facebook, but it's not headed in dangerous directions yet, that is to say, no heavy sexual innuendos at present time. I'm not sure if that's disappointing or not. On one hand I could fall in love with him again, and he can do his whole asshole-but-it's-not-my-fault-I-have-Issues-routine, but on the other hand, ANIMAL FUCKING MAGNETISME!! Raowr.

My diet also died a bit today, when I went to get breakfast, and I knew the waiter, and so she gave me free brownies... woo! But a big diet boo... since it's the only food except for canned beans and tomatoes and broccoli I'll be able to afford for a while though, I expect I can be exused.

PS. I love my flat. It owns monkey-balls.

Once you go black, OUR WAY, you never go back... ;)

Party yesterday at Q's friends house, out in deep deep suburbia... next door neighbour is famous local politician. We had a lot of fun with that. Now friend who lives there... is HOT. In a stoner, has killed half his braincells, slightly skinny, coffee-addict, asshole sort of way. Exactly my type =) I managed to restrain myself due to the fact that he's not totally single, and Q has also gone there, and you know, ho-code nr. 2... Don't sex the ex.

But anyway, had a really nice time, baileys and coffee with a sprinkling of eph, and a bunch of strawberry margharitas. Q and I got so hyped up we went outside and did split-jumps on the trampoline for about an hour. Good times =)

I was supposed to go to another friends birthday yesterday, but... He has a crush on me. And I hate having to fend off drunken kisses when I'm trying to get my groove on. Very distracting that.

Ended the evening at 7 in the morning in Stoners bed with Q and Stoner, sleeping in a heap with heavy metal in the background. Party like it's Ozzy Osbournes birthday=)

One step foreward, 4 steps back

I am weak. And stupid. And bound to hurt myself (not emo-like, but more like willingly give someone the chance to do a quickstep on my heart).

Tent-boy answerd, after I re-asked him about the concert. Which is now off. Which is kind of okay, since KP has been pushing Tenty more and more out of my head lately. Or in the last two days, but you know, whatever. but anyway, that is not kind of okay. I want to be over that guy, he has Issues. With a capital I. And he's a charmer , totally full of himself and selfcentered as all hell. But kettles shouldn't throw pots in glass-houses .

But yeah, straight after Tenty answered, I got a hold of my network-key, got online, and answered KP's facebook assault. It's like I finally was allowed or something.

Meanwhile BFF and her beau patched things up, which is great! But I'm sort of a little scared that if she becomes all happy and couply, she won't need me anymore. This has happened to us previously when we've had boyfriends.

I don't know what I want anymore. If Tenty changed his mind and suddenly wanted to be with me, I probably would be like ok. But at the same time, I don't really care that much that it's over. It's like he was the rebound guy, except I'm back on KP now.

rebound /fail

*sets status* /confused

I don't want to give KP anything but possobly friendship. Coz that has a tendency to end with me going near-alcoholic and semi-depressed. Which is bad. On the other hand... I have severe problems saying no to him. On anything really. And he is hot. Very hot. Like... bluubl... cannot-form-sentences-coz-I'm-drooling-and-smiling-like-an-idiot-while-holding-stomach-in-so-hard-I-might-faint-hot. So friends could be difficult. what with the constant wanting to jump him. Like a fucking grasshopper. Raowr baby.

PS. settling into my new flat, it's going to be AWESOME! =)