One step foreward, 4 steps back

I am weak. And stupid. And bound to hurt myself (not emo-like, but more like willingly give someone the chance to do a quickstep on my heart).

Tent-boy answerd, after I re-asked him about the concert. Which is now off. Which is kind of okay, since KP has been pushing Tenty more and more out of my head lately. Or in the last two days, but you know, whatever. but anyway, that is not kind of okay. I want to be over that guy, he has Issues. With a capital I. And he's a charmer , totally full of himself and selfcentered as all hell. But kettles shouldn't throw pots in glass-houses .

But yeah, straight after Tenty answered, I got a hold of my network-key, got online, and answered KP's facebook assault. It's like I finally was allowed or something.

Meanwhile BFF and her beau patched things up, which is great! But I'm sort of a little scared that if she becomes all happy and couply, she won't need me anymore. This has happened to us previously when we've had boyfriends.

I don't know what I want anymore. If Tenty changed his mind and suddenly wanted to be with me, I probably would be like ok. But at the same time, I don't really care that much that it's over. It's like he was the rebound guy, except I'm back on KP now.

rebound /fail

*sets status* /confused

I don't want to give KP anything but possobly friendship. Coz that has a tendency to end with me going near-alcoholic and semi-depressed. Which is bad. On the other hand... I have severe problems saying no to him. On anything really. And he is hot. Very hot. Like... bluubl... cannot-form-sentences-coz-I'm-drooling-and-smiling-like-an-idiot-while-holding-stomach-in-so-hard-I-might-faint-hot. So friends could be difficult. what with the constant wanting to jump him. Like a fucking grasshopper. Raowr baby.

PS. settling into my new flat, it's going to be AWESOME! =)

ID: one. Super Ego: zero

ok... There is one small chink in my armour of awesome... KP.. that dude makes me act like a pathetic 14 year old girl. Or not if not act, at least feel like said pimply horribelness. Now, I was thinking, or trying to convince myself that I was thinking, that I wanted to try and patch things up and be friends (FRIENDS, just ordinary FRIENDS!!) with him before I left town. The last time we talked, I yelled at him first in person, and then for ten minutes on the phone. He totally deserved it too, but it leaves for an awkward ex-dynamic. I mean, do I say hello to him if I meet him? Am I still pissed off (no, I don't hold grudges, but does HE know that?)? Is he pissed off with me? Does he want his t-shirt back? Does he know I'm dating Stu?

ANYWAY! One of the reasons he makes or at least made my himinageebies jiggle was that we were able to talk together very capably about the things that were bothering us and such. So... my subconcious (that really just wants to cuddle him close and make violent, passionate, sweet, soft love to him all night), tries to convince my concious that it is all in the name of talking to someone about my shitfaced fear of growing up. And sadly, it succeded for a long enough time for me to message him and tell him I wanna "be his friend". Leaving me feeling like an idiot. And slowly realising I have been tricked. Cruelly decieved by my ID.

So there. But except from this I am of course awesome in all repects.