One step foreward, 4 steps back

I am weak. And stupid. And bound to hurt myself (not emo-like, but more like willingly give someone the chance to do a quickstep on my heart).

Tent-boy answerd, after I re-asked him about the concert. Which is now off. Which is kind of okay, since KP has been pushing Tenty more and more out of my head lately. Or in the last two days, but you know, whatever. but anyway, that is not kind of okay. I want to be over that guy, he has Issues. With a capital I. And he's a charmer , totally full of himself and selfcentered as all hell. But kettles shouldn't throw pots in glass-houses .

But yeah, straight after Tenty answered, I got a hold of my network-key, got online, and answered KP's facebook assault. It's like I finally was allowed or something.

Meanwhile BFF and her beau patched things up, which is great! But I'm sort of a little scared that if she becomes all happy and couply, she won't need me anymore. This has happened to us previously when we've had boyfriends.

I don't know what I want anymore. If Tenty changed his mind and suddenly wanted to be with me, I probably would be like ok. But at the same time, I don't really care that much that it's over. It's like he was the rebound guy, except I'm back on KP now.

rebound /fail

*sets status* /confused

I don't want to give KP anything but possobly friendship. Coz that has a tendency to end with me going near-alcoholic and semi-depressed. Which is bad. On the other hand... I have severe problems saying no to him. On anything really. And he is hot. Very hot. Like... bluubl... cannot-form-sentences-coz-I'm-drooling-and-smiling-like-an-idiot-while-holding-stomach-in-so-hard-I-might-faint-hot. So friends could be difficult. what with the constant wanting to jump him. Like a fucking grasshopper. Raowr baby.

PS. settling into my new flat, it's going to be AWESOME! =)

Do I get what want, do I want what I get?

I have worse karma than Hitler.

Tent-boy has yet to reply as to wether or not we're canceling Clapton, which if he says we should, I think I'm officially giving up all hope. And I can start training again instead of gettin my sex on. But anyway, he has not answered. This from the guy who sent me a text at four in the morning WITH NOTHING IN IT, a BLANK TEXT, just to answer a text I sent him earlier, that really didn't actually need an answer.

So I'm being frustrated about the whole Tent-boy thing, and my BFF and two of my best buddies (Juan, the coolest funniest lovliest guy who always takes care of me, and Ice) came over, and we had some beer, a smoke or two, and complained about the world. Or Juan didn't complain. Coz he has it made with an adorable girlfriend. But he pointed and laughed wickedly at us when we complained.

BFF also has problems in paradise, her guy is all avoidence-like when it comes to relationship exclutivity. So she's a little pissed. And Ice just wants to get laid. Preferably on a regular basis.

ANYWAY!! I check my facebook. And there is a message from... KP. My emotional kryptonite. Saying he misses me and sorry for not answering me earlier. I howl. Litteraly. Really loudly.

Does he have some sort of radar that tells him when I'm emotionally unstable enough to give him an opening? I was all about Tent-boy. But the minute he becomes a bit disapointing, enter KP to confuse me utterly.

I hate you.

Yes God, I mean you.

Evil Smiting mother fucker.

Festival-time

And I'm back from a week at a rock/let's get terribly drunk-festival with my best friend's ex, and two of his buddies, whom I tented with, plus my best friend who tented somewhere... else. Gingerboy was also at the festival and I spent large amounts of time avoiding him like the plague, and succeded reasonably well. I only spotted his orange head once in the distance, and made a run for it.

On the first day (possibly the second, I'm not good with days) I managed to a) lose my phone while b) having sex with The Ex's friend on the other friends mattress, while being c) drunk out of my head. During the next couple of days we then managed to evolve a "new-love"-cutsie annoying persona, everything is ours we are an entity kind of an annoying joint personality, and he moved into my tent. Which was just as well, coz the nights were serilously cold, even though I was drop dead drunk when I went to bed.

He also during this short week managed to bestow upon me a necklace he inherited from his grandfather, introduce me to his sister, drop me off his back, me landing on my face with my feet above my head nearly breaking my back, call me his princess, give me a hickey, drunkenly almost try to anal probe me with his thingy, become, according to his buddies, thoughly pussy-whipped, and make KP a far and distant memory.

successful vacation =)

I have no idea what's going to happen now that we're home, I still have his heirloom (haha), I owe him money (I think), and we separated on a very cuddly note, but my relationship anxiety hasn't gone anywhere, and he's never had a girlfriend so it's safe to assume he has a bit of a case of it too, and a summer fling could be nice I guess... But I guess we'll find out. I'm still leaving town, and I was sort of dating two other guys before I left on vacation... God the timing of this sucks.

re-installing real life

In an attempt to regain some sort of control over my life and my ID, I went to drastic measures yesterday. I uninstalled my IM and deleted my facebook-account. I'm contemplating getting rid of my mobile phone too. All these technological thingies just makes it far too easy to get distracted, and far too easy to spy on people you really just should stay far far away from. I swear, I'm convinced facebook doubles the time it takes to get over a broken heart. It's not an easy thing to do under any circumstances, but it's just so much harder when you can torture yourself by clicking into their profile and look at pictures of them, read what they're saying, and who they're saying it to. And I've been doing that for over a year now with KP. And of course this resulted in us eventually hooking up again, him breaking my heart again, hooking up one MORE time, and this time actually kind of finish it in a decent way. But I think it might be time to exit the information highway and roll the backstreets for a bit. Not just because of the getting away from the impulse to spy, but also to just live a little more inside my own head instead of Bill Gates' baby, and maybe try to sort out the emotional mess that's going on IRL. 

ID: one. Super Ego: zero

ok... There is one small chink in my armour of awesome... KP.. that dude makes me act like a pathetic 14 year old girl. Or not if not act, at least feel like said pimply horribelness. Now, I was thinking, or trying to convince myself that I was thinking, that I wanted to try and patch things up and be friends (FRIENDS, just ordinary FRIENDS!!) with him before I left town. The last time we talked, I yelled at him first in person, and then for ten minutes on the phone. He totally deserved it too, but it leaves for an awkward ex-dynamic. I mean, do I say hello to him if I meet him? Am I still pissed off (no, I don't hold grudges, but does HE know that?)? Is he pissed off with me? Does he want his t-shirt back? Does he know I'm dating Stu?

ANYWAY! One of the reasons he makes or at least made my himinageebies jiggle was that we were able to talk together very capably about the things that were bothering us and such. So... my subconcious (that really just wants to cuddle him close and make violent, passionate, sweet, soft love to him all night), tries to convince my concious that it is all in the name of talking to someone about my shitfaced fear of growing up. And sadly, it succeded for a long enough time for me to message him and tell him I wanna "be his friend". Leaving me feeling like an idiot. And slowly realising I have been tricked. Cruelly decieved by my ID.

So there. But except from this I am of course awesome in all repects.

Early night

In lack of a diary, confidant, imaginary friend and such, I am going to write this blog to try and document the drama that seems to have taken over my life lately. Which is a lot of drama. A lot. Of... drama..

Yesterday, party at Queenies before clubbing. Tried to get Don in, but Queenie veto'd. Drank some vodka, some beer, som tea, som tea with vodka, and had a talk with Queenie about the fleeing town, which i appearently have to do alone now. Fan fucking tastic. We're all kinda high on eph and a little drunk, it's boring but whatever. Finally drive into town, we're there about half past 1, there's nothing really good going on anywhere, but we duck into a club. Run into Doll's ex, who I'm not supposed to be nice to but I'm nice to anyway. We dance for a while, run into this guy i had a fling with like three years ago, who is a close friend of Gingerboy, and drunkenly tells me Ginger is in love with me, has been talking about me all night, and I should call him. I say uhm. He asks if i wanna borrow his phone. I say I'm leaving town in three weeks, I'm not gonna start dating someone now, he says longdistance isn't so bad. Well no, could work I'm sure, if I actually liked the dude. But he's so... clingy... and... boring. Extremely pretty though, which is why this isn't easy. Pretty guys are hard to turn down.

ANYWAY, I'd watched a movie with Stu earlier yesterday, fallen asleep on his shoulder and had a pretty much good time, so more confusion. That guy just will not make a move though. He wants to hang out all the time and seems interested, but just no attempted kissing, groping, anything. But still, leaving town, whatever.

I'm still scouting for KP everytime I'm out, haven't quite dropped that torch yet =/