don't want to go alone

Long time no blog.

Shit has Gone Down. Notice the capitalization. And the rearranging of Main Folks.

First things first, I have a boyfriend. A not before mentioned unknown of the male persuasion. He is awesome. Smart, considerate, good in bed (a cunning linguist i you get my drift hawhaw wink wink), nice, cuddly, a good conversationalist, and totally in love with me. It seems. And hot. Did I mention hot? He is HOT!

I am of course a wreck of doubt.

Logic strikes again.


It started with him helping me with my homework. Then one night (after a bottle of baileys), he kissed me. And I sort of moved in for three weeks. Didn't do the dirty at once though, not even slightly. Waited two weeks.

Became official a couple of days ago. And I've been freeking out ever since. Either because I don't really want to me in a relationship with this guy, I am insane, KP fucked my emotional sanity up more than I realized, I'm afraid of losing him (cause he is like.... AWESOME) or my female intuition has picked up something shady about him.

I have no idea, I'm just a mess.

And my exams start in under two weeks. And I haven't opened a book i three. So yeah. That's great.

Running away and joining a convent seems like a good idea right about now actually.

Or having a fling with KP or this hot stock-broker I've been onlining it with for a few years.

Total Mess.

Oh and Boyfriend is Bff's ex, she's got a new boyfriend, younger bloke, with dreads, he's cool.

OK

I'm not going to post just to post anymore. Something interesting actually has to happen. Preferably my getting laid.

would be nice.


PS
Chuck Bass is freekin AWESOME. Call me.

will i get what i want will i want what i get

Do you wanna make love to me

ok! KP answered, ordinary chitchat, I mention a concert I wanna go see, it's in another town so will probably involve spending the night and stuff..And I think I may be inviting him, Very subtly. This is not a good idea. Every other concert (three) I've been to with this guy has involved hooking up. So. Bad. Yes.

OR!! Casual sex? perhaps? I dunno.

The studio where I dance want to hire me as a yoga-instructor,they actually headhunted me. That is some kind of cool. Nightclub where I work is wonderful, all the guards call me darling and act all big-brotherly when obnoxious drunks start getting a bit too close for comfort. Which is actually like ten feet, drunk people smell really bad. And also I got 40 euro tip last night, so weeeh =)

Lucky Strike smokin queen

I facebooked KP. Yeah. depressing music really isn't good for the decicion-making progress.

There she goes, just a-walking down the street

Joe Purdy - check

Lucky Strike - check

middle of the night, sitting in my window and smoking. Feel like getting drunk. Life really ain't nothing without love, if I may get all country-song-y.

Sent Tenty a text "hey, long time, how are you? scince you helped me move in to my flat, want to see it?". He replied saying it was really tough seeing me last time, and he didn't think it was a good idea for him at the moment. It was both the most perfect and the most horrible reply I have ever gotten. Totally honest. And just underlining the fact of how perfect the guy is. And how unbeliavbly unnecissary our "break up" was. It started as just a friendly approach to a cool guy I used to be close to. And now I just want to hold him and be held by him. And I have to leave him alone. Because I care about him.

I miss him so much, and I'm sad, and lonely, and for some reason I want to talk to KP about this heartbreak. Is that fucked up? That's fucked up.

I can't say I want to be someones highest priority, and for someone to want to give me the world, because I have been, and I am. But they haven't been the right someones. I want to stare into those blue blue eyes, and I want to talk to KP about how the fact htat I can't really hurts. I don't know why I feel like that would help, and it probably wouldn't, but in my sleep-deprived heart it makes sense.

Sleep-deprived head just wants to kick some sense into sleep-deprived heart. "You want to talk to one ex about how another ex won't talk to you because he hasn't gotten over you? What are you an idiot? Go take a nap. A run. A valium. Whatever. Before I get pissed and start typing in all-caps here." Then heart goes "You're just a big lump of zombie-lunch, what do you know bitch". "WhatEVER you big MUSCLE! Like you're ANYTHING without me! GO EAT A FUCKING WAFFLE OR SOMETHING! Emotional twat." And that really gives my lungs a nicotine-craving.

short skirt long jacket

Yeah I got batshit drunk and poledanced around a signpost.Then I made out with Danny for a bit.

The result of my trying to distract myself (by being wasted and playing with dude's poor grease-like head), was that I followed a guy today for 10 min becase I'm near-sighted and from a distance he kind of looked like KP.

So.... mission not accomplished. Which I guess means I'm not Tom Cruise. Which is kind of cool.